I’ve been in several conversations and collaborations this year with a variety of people around the world. They are all interesting, good people that want to make a difference and be inclusive. And yet, in every conversation, the gender dynamics have been fascinating and, at times, frustrating. What has surprised me the most however is not the dynamics themselves, but that it is the men that think they are aware, conscious and inclusive that are amongst the worst perpetrators of the dynamics that keep women ‘in their place’.
Why It’s The ‘Aware’ Men That Are The Worst
Diversity and inclusion are topical at the moment, so most of us are paying more attention to how diversity plays out in the workplace than usual and trying to be more thoughtful, inclusive and considerate. This is great. Many men have been doing their inner work, listening, learning, and trying to do things differently. This is also great. Yet, many men think they are further along than they are in practice, and that’s the problem.
When men think they are creating space and openness, they are blind to the ways they are closing it down. When they think they are listening, they are deaf to the ways in which they are not. When they feel they are being vulnerable, they can’t sense the ways they are triggering vulnerability in others - not always usefully.
Example of how this plays out in practice: those with the most power and perceived privilege are talking more than others, those who called the meeting are speaking more than they listen - especially when they’ve asked a question or request open/honest inputs or sharing; conversations seem one way, i.e. you hear more from those with perceived power and privilege than others; talented people with much to contribute are defaulting to stereotypical roles and patterns and seem to shrink or be silent; people speaking up after prolonged silence seem to have a lot more emotion than expected (it takes a lot of energy and courage for people to speak up and chances are there are deep, old wounds being triggered); people are worrying about others will think and react than engaging wholeheartedly; and group dynamics seem more interesting/important than the larger purpose you came together in the first place.
The clue to all these behaviours is in the word ‘think’. There’s a tangible difference in engaging with people who embody the qualities of openness and inclusion, and those who think they are.
We’re all guilty of course
Whatever our gender, it’s when we think we are further along than we are, or when our sense of self and self-interest overrides our sensitivity to others, that we are most blind to the behaviours that result in disrespect, exclusion and frustrated potential. In these moments, it’s nearly impossible to see how we are playing to stereotypical behaviours and reinforcing existing paradigms. I’m just as guilty as those I’ve been disappointed by recently when I’m disconnected from my heart and not bring my full presence to the table.
What Being Further Along Actually Looks and Feels Like
Thankfully, I’ve also been in some conversations that have tangibly different. These conversations have a wholly different dynamic and feeling tone. They are engaging, intellectually stimulating, generative, uplifting and joyful. They may be hard at times. There may be moments of stuck-ness and deafness and blindness, but the risks of raising what’s hard feel more manageable, and when raised there’s a willingness to hear, to acknowledge, to engage, to explore and a recognition that what’s arising is important and valuable and purposeful and powerful. The relationships deepen and get more robust. The wholeness and fullness with which we each engage expands. The possibilities and potential increase. The chances of our individual and collective purposes being advance rise.
What can we do differently?
We all have a part to play in these dynamics. So whatever role we find ourselves in, there’s always something we can do.
The most important thing is to listen and be curious
This is obvious of course, and yet we so rarely listen within and without to understand. Whatever part you are playing in these dynamics, challenge yourself to listen with genuine interest, curiosity and non-judgment, without jumping to conclusions or trying to fix or advise.
To listen within, acknowledge what’s going on in you and what you are bringing to the conversation in terms of intentions, needs, goals, emotions… What are you feeling? Why are you feeling that way? What did you want to get out of this conversation? How are you showing up? What are you bringing to the table? What do you need here? Have you been honest with yourself or with others about that? How is what you are doing and who you are being impacting others?
To listen without, make it safe for people to express themselves as best you can, and ask questions until you can understand what’s true for the other person without needing to justify yourself or change anything. Listen with your whole self. And listen for longer than feels comfortable. Allow there to be silence if that’s what’s wanted. And if people don’t feel safe to express themselves, recognise that it may be best to let it go for now, but be sure to debrief the experience with someone who will bring perspective and insight, and help you uncover your blindspots.
Don’t wait for multiple people to raise the same issue
Remember, it takes courage for someone to air something that is difficult for them. And if it’s being raised by one, it’s being experienced by others. If you ignore it, it doesn’t go away, it becomes more stronger and more emotive. So recognise it, acknowledge their experience, be willing to inquire into it and explore whether it is a wider issue and what form and shape it takes and with what consequences.
Acknowledging someone else’s experience doesn’t mean denying your own. It doesn’t make you wrong. It’s simply someone else’s experience, and it’s true for them. Get curious. This is an opportunity to understand another, to see through different eyes. And chances are it’s an opportunity to heal and make whole, and uncover something that is important and purposeful.
Also remember that while others may be experiencing similar issues, everyone’s experience is a little different, as we are all unique with unique backgrounds, experiences, wounds and purposes. You don’t have to understand all the nuances, but be open to them.
Make it easy for people to raise challenging issues
The earlier challenging issues are raised, the sooner they can be resolved. Chances are there will be individual and collective benefits that result, allowing you to advance more purposefully and powerfully together.
Does any of this ring true for you? Where have you been challenged or challenging in groups and collaborative efforts? With the benefit of hindsight, what might you do differently?