Why is it that we feel more appreciation with some people and not others? Why do some people seem more appreciative and expressive of their appreciation than others? What is it about particular topics/themes/contexts that stimulate a feeling of appreciation whereas others seem to shut it down? These are questions I have been reflecting on over the last few months as I’ve watched them play out in myself and others.
There are a variety of factors that affect whether and how we feel and express gratitude and appreciation. We are all different. We have differing cultures, religions, family histories and experience sets. We have been subject to varying parenting styles, expectations and examples. All this and more have shaped our relationship with ourselves, with each other, and also our relationship with gratitude and appreciation.
It may also be easier to express gratitude than appreciation. A simple thank you or even a smile when someone gives you something or does something for you is pretty easy for most of us. Appreciation is a deeper state of being, harder to express in words. It is. It isn’t simply a reflection of the past.
Cultural differences
I come from a culture where expressions of 'please' and 'thank you' are not the norm. They are considered quite British in some way, perhaps even excessively polite at times. That doesn't mean gratitude and appreciation are not present. They may be felt but not expressed verbally.
It seems that adults express gratitude differently around the world, and that gratitude expression is shaped in childhood. For example, according to this Greater Good Magazine synthesis of the research:
“Children in China and South Korea tended to favor connective gratitude [reciprocating with something the wish-granter would like, such as friendship or help], while kids in the United States leaned toward concrete gratitude [reciprocating with something the child likes, such as offering the person some candy or a toy]. Children in Guatemala—where it’s common to say “Thanks be to God” in everyday speech—were particularly partial to verbal gratitude [saying thank you in some way].
While the research tends to focus on gratitude, it is appreciation that is more interesting to me. Here too I see cultural differences. My experience of the Japanese suggests they are more attuned to appreciation. Perhaps that is connected to Shintoism and a reverence for life and beauty and mastery in even the simplest things.
Other factors
There’s a lot at play with respect to gratitude and appreciation, including but not limited to individual vs collectivist cultures, autonomy (independence and self-directedness is valued) vs heteronomy (duty and obedience is valued) and separateness vs relatedness. There are also documented gender differences, and even genetic variation!
What the research doesn’t seem to explore adequately (yet) is the impact of status within and across groups and society, or the effect of power and privilege imbalances and how individuals respond to their life circumstances, limitations and expectations/contained expectations and aspirations.
Those of us from non-dominant cultures or who have experienced suppression of our innate essence (though that's probably all of us on some level!) no doubt have a complex relationship with gratitude and appreciation.
By way of example, I picked up a tendency to be overly grateful when I was young, possibly from my immigrant parents who were minorities even in their original homeland. It took me many years to see this tendency in myself and to begin to shift it. I was taught that as a non-white female, I would not be able to truly succeed, that I would not be recognised unless I was that much better than those around me. I learned to put up with a lot of nonsense and even to feel and express gratitude for mere morsels that came my way, even those that did not reflect what I was bringing to the table. It took a lot for me to call that out one day and refuse to be grateful for something that I was expected to be grateful for even though it did not reflect my contribution or potential. I was incredibly proud of myself for being able to see it and call it and not feel bad about it, though I doubt the men involved had any idea what was really at play.
The impact of wholeness
Perhaps the truest expressions of gratitude come from wholeness: when we are more whole in ourselves, and see and appreciate all aspects of ourselves. In my case, I was able to take a different stance when I recognised and owned my potential and brilliance. From that place, I could be both appreciative and not overly or inappropriately grateful. I was able to take a stand for myself and for the work I wanted to do in the world, the difference I knew I could make.
What is your relationship with gratitude and appreciation? How has it changed over time? How does context and background and expectation play in for you? What might you be ready and wanting to shift?
Explore the differences
While the factors affecting our experience and expression of gratitude and appreciation are complex, there is information and insight available in the differing expressions. Just as we can sense non-verbal gratitude and appreciation, we can sense when there is a void of gratitude and appreciation. This awareness can usefully give us pause. What is at play in us and in the other? What is needed and wanted? Do we lean in or lean out at that point? Remember, we always have choices. (This is particularly useful to prevent us from over-giving and over-helping, or from making assumptions.)
How is gratitude and appreciation playing out in those around you? Your family and friends? Your colleagues, collaborators and team members? And what might it be pointing you to?