How can we be true to ourselves when who we are is constantly changing

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a person is authentic when they are true to their own personality, spirit, or character. This is a useful starting point, as it gives us a sense of what it might look like or feel like to be true to oneself: there’s a sense of inner and outer alignment.

However, the definition also hints at the complexity inherent in being authentic. We humans are complex creatures with personality, spirit and character, and these aspects aren’t always fully aligned! Who we are being varies from day to day based on our mood, the situation we find ourselves in, the aspects of our personality that are dominant on that day, our level of confidence, and more! Add to this the fact that we are growing and evolving, and it becomes even harder to know who or what it is that we are being authentic to. Or does it?

As with most things in life, there are levels. For simplicity, let’s think about who we are in 3 ways:

1. Who we are out in the world most of the time when interacting with others, i.e. our external facing personality.

2. Who we are when alone, in the safety and comfort of our home.

3. Who we are at our core, i.e. the purest aspect of ourselves unclouded by personality aspects.

We know from the work of Carl Jung and many others that the various parts of psyche are born through wounding. These wounds don’t need to be big and traumatic, they can be small or large challenges that give rise to the creation of parts who are concerned with the physical and emotional survival of the being. As they form, they surround and protect and to some extent cover over the core essence of the being. Through self awareness and tools such as Positive Intelligence, Voice Dialogue, Internal Family Systems etc, we can get in touch with these aspects of the psyche, integrate, heal and become more whole so that our essence can shine through. It is in going through the personality that we can release and transcend the personality. But that’s an aside. Let’s return to the topic of authenticity.

Most people wanting to be more authentic are aware that something about how they are showing up and engaging in the world isn’t in alignment with who they really are. They recognise the disconnect between their dominant outer facing parts and their inner parts. That’s a strong beginning, as doing the work of reconnecting to their inner parts can also lead them further into reconnecting to their core essence. And when we do that, that’s when the true power of authenticity can come to the fore. This is when we move beyond being true to our personality and character traits to being true to our essence, while allowing our essence to be optimally expressed with personality and character in ways that are true to us and appropriate to the circumstances and situations we find ourselves in. .

How and why the journey to becoming an authentic leader differs for men and women

Being authentic in the workplace is harder for women and people of colour, who feel that they need to confirm to some mythical ideal of leadership or act in ways that are not innate in order to succeed.

The challenge

Let’s face it, the modern workplace has been shaped by the Western standard of business and administration, in which the dominant image of a leader is an extroverted, well-educated, older white man. Naming this is often one of the first tasks in my work with people who don’t tend to think of themselves of leaders even when they’ve been successful. It allows people to exhale, releases energy and vitality, and opens up all kinds of possibilities.

You really don’t have to be a SPOM (stale, pale, old white male) to be an extraordinary leader. Not only that, but your leadership success and through you, our societal transformation, depends on you not being this. Instead, the more you are able to be truly your self and lead in ways that are both authentic and needed in the moment, the more you will be able to succeed in creating change.

But is this the only challenge for women?

You already know the answer to this. No. Gender bias in organisations and in society is real and exists in a multiplicity of forms that range from the subtle (women having to be “nice” or “nurturing”, lack of appreciation) to the overt (exclusion from key meetings/gatherings, harassment). There is a lot of research and evidence on this now, including in industries traditionally dominated by women. There also continues to be a lack of trust in women leaders, particularly in times of economic crisis.

On top of this is the degree of misogyny and prejuduce pervasive in society. In addition to all the assumptions, biases and expectations we face, we also have to counteract years of cultural and social conditioning. Messages from childhood that have often said: it’s not ok to be who you are in this world, you can never succeed as a women, you must put other’s needs and wants first, … Add to this the double or triple whammy of having multiple minority identities, and you begin to get a sense of the inner and outer minefields.

Unsurprisingly, there’s a sense that we can’t win by being ourselves. Frankly, perhaps we can’t win full stop. The deck is just too stacked against us. It’s a wonder that we even try!

The call

But try we do. For many of us the call to be more of who we are, to make a difference this world, to fulfil our potential is too strong to ignore. And the call is getting louder and stronger as our current systems breakdown, and the illusion of “the end of history” falls away.

The path

While men have experienced their share of conditioning and socialising, they are more likely to have been brought up to believe that they are natural leaders, that they are entitled to lead—a message that is reinforced by the role models they see around them everywhere they look. So they tend to lead with greater innate confidence and entitlement than women, regardless of whether they are knowledgeable, experienced or qualified enough for the positions they are in. And this becomes a self-fulfilling and cycle repeating prophecy. In short, the path to leadership is well-worn for men and thus a little easier to fall into. (I’m generalising of course. I know there are men that are different—some of them are clients, a few are favourite clients who inspire me with their thoughtfulness and reflective capacity.)

Source: The Leadership Institute

For men, the path to authentic leadership is often as Bill George and others describe. For men, it is often about reigning back on personal priorities in order to connect and care more for others and the world beyond their immediate sphere of concern.The Leadership Institute puts it powerfully in this table, and this shift for men correlates with a shift up the ladder of consciousness or spiral of development. Part of the shift many men need to make is from an over focus on goals to larger purpose, from self-interest to a values based approach and the larger interest or common good, from ego and head to heart, from accumulation (and exploitation) to cultivating long-term relationships and potential, and from power-based and hierarchical approaches to self-discipline and self-organising.

The starting point for women is different. Women are more likely to be on the left side of the table already, but not necessarily in the most healthy way. Having been brought up to support, to serve, to take care of others, to make sure everyone else's needs are met, we’ve learned to hide away some of the most brilliant parts of ourselves in order to be safe, to meet others expectations of who and what we should be, to be caring, to be liked, to please etc.

Women are more likely to meet Bill George’s description of authentic leaders: “Authentic leaders genuinely desire to serve others through their leadership. They are more interested in empowering the people they lead to make a difference than they are in power, money, or prestige for themselves. They are as guided by qualities of the heart, by passion and compassion, as they are by qualities of the mind”. For many women, these elements of authentic leadership are a given. They have long been focused on service to others and to society, often at the expense of themselves. Their core challenge is not in shifting from an over focus on self or results or from personal achievement to higher purpose, it is in shifting from an over focus on service to others at expense of self and to a balanced, integrated, wise way of being that optimises innate masculine and feminine leadership capacities. 

Women need to reconnect to their vital essence and energy, and to learn to lead and create from a place of innate strength and knowing. In short, women need to embrace and express their true power.

For women, it may require reigning back care for others for a while in order to be able to care for ourselves so that we can more sustainably and effectively care for others, our communities and the world. And this tends to require overcoming fears and beliefs that it is selfish to prioritise self-care, that we only matter if we are loving and giving, that we are safe playing the “good girl”, that we’ll lose respect if we speak our truth…

The catalyst

It takes time, effort and energy to overcome all the inner and outer conditioning that stops us from being wholly ourselves. In my work with mission-driven women leaders, I have found that there comes a time where women are called to this path. If we haven’t listened to the gentler calls, we are forced to pay attention by a moment of crisis, a leadership crucible, a health challenge, the unmistakable effects of burnout, a near death experience… We ignore it at our peril. When we find the courage and motivation to begin the journey of returning to our essential self, reconnecting with to our deeper purpose, and reassessing our priorities so that we can live and lead with more wholeness, more truth, and more true power, we learn to bring more of our innate strengths and capabilities to bear and see the effects on ourselves and those around us.

The reward

We start to understand how being true to ourselves also serves the world. We recognise that by becoming more whole and taking care of our own needs, we are able to be effective in the world and be of greater service. We learn that going within and being full present leads to greater peace, joy and fulfilment while also bringing awareness, insights and inspiration that informs how we lead in the world. We learn to lead from a place of centeredness and groundedness, without having to hide or diminish ourselves or adapt ourselves to accommodate others and see and feels the effects of this on ourselves and those around us. In short, we become the wise, compassionate leaders that we already are.

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Note: We need authentic leaders of all genders of course. Being authentic is a non-trivial challenge for us all. What is shared in the journey, is that we all have to come back to the self to be able to go beyond the self in a way that is truly powerful, enlivening and sustainable at a personal and a larger level. Perhaps we can help each other, by being kinder to each other, giving each other more grace and space to grow while in process, supporting each other in whatever ways we can for the sake of a better world in which all can be truer to themselves and more able to fulfil their individual and our collective potential.

What is authentic leadership and why does it matter?

More and more people are using the term “authentic leadership” these days. So what is authentic leadership? And does it matter, or is it just another leadership buzzword? In this post, I share the recent history of the term, a definition and some of my own perspectives on the topic.

Why we need authentic leaders now more than ever

The term Authentic Leadership was brought to the fore and popularised by Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic. In his book ‘Authentic Leadership: Rediscovering the Secrets to Creating Lasting Value’, he states: “We need authentic leaders, people of the highest integrity, committed to building enduring organizations. We need leaders who have a deep sense of purpose and are true to their core values. We need leaders who have the courage to build their companies to meet the needs of all their stakeholders, and who recognize the importance of their service to society.”

We certainly do. That was true when the book was written in 2003, which was in the aftermath of the Enron scandal, and it is true now in the rapidly changing and challenging world we’re living in, which is crying out for leaders who can compassionately hospice the old and leaders who can wisely create the new. We also need leaders that are deeply connected to the larger whole, who have a systemic view of the world and can co-create the new. That becomes easier when embark on the journey of inner wholeness and integration and reconnect to our own essence.

So what is authentic leadership anyway?

Bill George states that “leadership begins and ends with authenticity. It's being yourself; being the person you were created to be.” This is key. It gets beyond our current personality/persona to who we are at our essence. Essence-based leadership involves becoming more of who we are, continuing to grow ourselves and our capacity to lead.

He goes on to say: “Authentic leaders genuinely desire to serve others through their leadership. They are more interested in empowering the people they lead to make a difference than they are in power, money, or prestige for themselves. They are as guided by qualities of the heart, by passion and compassion, as they are by qualities of the mind”.

The five qualities of authentic leaders are:

• Understanding their purpose

• Practicing solid values

• Leading with heart

• Establishing connected relationships

• Demonstrating consistency and self-discipline

I concur, though I put it a little differently. Truly authentic leaders know themselves, are self-aware, are growing and evolving, are grounded and centered in themselves, are connected to something greater than themselves and are able to lead from a place of strength, wisdom, love and compassion.

And for me, there are three keys to authentic leadership. Authentic leaders are:

• Clear and focused on what matters, but doesn’t lose sight of their or others needs

• Becoming more truly and wholly themselves while connected to and aware of the larger whole

• Able to bring the optimal capacities and behaviours that are required in the moment while owning and harnessing their and others strengths

It is an ongoing dance between being grounded and centred in oneself and transcending the self in service of something greater, even when the something greater is emergent.

Imagine a world in which all leaders were truly authentic leaders!

How to become a more authentic leader

First, recognise it’s a journey not a destination. As Bill George says, “authentic leaders are dedicated to developing themselves because they know that becoming a leader takes a lifetime of personal growth”.

Second, grow your self-awareness. Self-awareness is truly a leadership superpower. You can start by paying attention to your thoughts and behaviours. Explore what is driving your actions and behaviours. Notice your patterns and triggers. Reflect on the impact you have on others. Take responsibility for yourself and the way you impact people. To go deeper on this, ask people for candid feedback, and consider engaging a coach to help you.

Third, notice where you focus is in a given moment. Play with that. Expand your focus. Narrow your focus. Expand it again. What else is going on around you? What are you not seeing or sensing that is present in the room/situation? What is needed now, in this moment from you or from others? Listen. Sense. Let go of your automated tendencies for a few moments and see what emerges as a result. It may surprise you.

There is more of course, but these three things are a good place to start.